Ways To Get Akatsuki Pissed At You
by DM-sama
Summary: Warning: Read at your own risk.
1. Introduction

Ways to get Akatsuki (and its members) really pissed off at you!

**DM: I decided to write this story because I just love pissing those guys (and girl) off!**

**Aki: Warning: The following show features stunts preformed either by professionals and/or total idiots.**

**DM: I insist that neither you nor any of your dumb little buddies attempt the dangerous crap on this show.**

**Aki: In case of emergency: Run like Hell!**

**DM: I dedicate this to my PM-pals Akatsuki Chef, ZetsuAi, and S1SKA!**

**Aki: For reason's why we have yet to find out…**

**DM: I dunno, I just felt like doing a dedication!**

**Aki: On with the show!**

All of Akatsuki

1. Whenever they plan an assassination, gasp very dramatically; thump them all on the head, and say, "Go into your timeout corner, no supper for you!"

2. Badger them all day and tell them to have an Annual Movie night. If they agree, rent every single Barbie/Barney movie in existents, and force them to watch it. If they didn't agree, drag um' into the room, tie them to chairs and force them to watch the movie's anyway.

3. Give the keys and location to their hideout to the most crazy and obsessive fangirls/guys, then say you're going to for walk when they come ambushing in. When you get back and see them nearly ripped to shreds ask very childishly, "Did the big bad foxy get you?"

4. Tell Orochimaru that they're willing to let him back, so long as he arrives naked, than wear 'Orochimaru Proof' sunglasses when he comes walking in on Movie Night. Tape the others scream 'My Eyes!' then sell that clip on e-bay.

5.In case of emergency: _Run for your life._

**Ways to get Deidara pissed.**

1. Sing at the top of your lungs 'Dude, you look like a lady' and hide really quickly when he tries to find you.

2. Die his Akatsuki cloak pink, and glue very large bra's in the chest area, then during the next meeting say 'Hey look, Deidara has a sister.'

3. Tell him Tobi just told you his most deepest and darkest secret, and that you just posted it on the Internet. When he accidentally tells you his secret (they always do) say, "Nah, but I was recording the whole conversation. TO THE INTERNET!" And flee.

4. Ask him the true meaning of art, and during the first 5 minutes of his speech, snore _very _loudly. When he shakes you awake, yell at him, "Sasori's art is better!"

5. In case of emergency: Run like your being chased by a psychopathic bomber.

**Ways to get Sasori pissed.**

1. Ask him for hours how such a bumbling idiot like Tobi could replace him. When he snap's at you say, "Yeesh, ya' know what? I like Tobi better!" then stopped on his foot and leave the room dramatically.

2. Dip all of his weapons in maple syrup; when he asks you what you're doing, say "It's a new poison, very fatal." Then laugh your ass off during his next fight.

3. Place a very tiny MP3 player in his room, than place it on 'I've got no strings' to play at top volume all day long. When he asks you where it is, shrug and start singing along very loudly.

4. Tell him that you've decided to present 'Pinocchio' as your pick for movie night. Instead show an R rated movie that involves the dismemberment to puppets.

5. In case of emergency:Run to Konoha, he can't follow you there.

**Ways to get Itachi pissed.**

1. Ask him why he has creepy eye line thingy's, than laugh for 5 minutes every time he tries to answer.

2. Trip him randomly in the hallway, tape it, than edit it to where it's in slow mo. When you present it to Movie Night, scream, "_Matrix!"_

3. Walk into a meeting and shout to him, "Itachi you left your underwear in my laundry pile again!" and wave a pink thong that states 'I am Kisame's love bitch.'

4. Give five hour long speech on why he shouldn't have killed his clan and make Sasuke's life such a living hell, then once your done glare at him stupidly and ask, "What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room you sick pervert!"

5. In case of emergency:Run, kid, _run_

**Ways to get Hidan pissed.**

1. Exist (he hates it when I do that!)

2. Whenever he comes walking down the hall flee into a corner and scream "Christ repels you, you sick, sick man!"

3. Lock him in a room full of Asuma fangirls, then record the sounds coming from there.

4. Whenever he says something make a very loud beeping noise. Continue to do so until the Asuma fangirls find him again.

5. In case of emergency:Run like the wind!

**Ways to get Kakuzu pissed**

1. Do absolutely nothing (Waste time, waste money!)

2. Give all of his money to Mr. Krabs. Then say he has to earn it all back by working at the Krusty Krab.

3. Ask him if he and Jack Skellington are distant cousins.

4. Ask him if he was nicknamed 'Tentacle Porn Master' in his village before he joined Akatsuki.

5. In case of emergency: Run. Like. You. _Mean it_!

**Ways to get Kisame pissed.**

1. Steel his sword, when he ask you where it is say, "It's in Florida, some girl bought it for 1,000,000 dollars." When he gives you a murderous look say, "I know, how can a girl want _your_ sword, you're a fish!"

2. When on a mission with him in the middle of a village scream, "So how's the sex coming with Itachi?!" If he doesn't answer, ask him again and again.

3. Say your going to cook a surprise dinner. When Kisame ask you what is wait until he already swallowed a spoonful before saying, "Sharkfin Soup!" Stand back as he tries to cough it up.

4. During movie night, present a national geographic video on a dolphin kicking a shark's ass. When it's over, turn to him and say, "You were beaten by _Iruka_? I lost all respect for you."

5. In case of emergency: Run to the underwater city of Atlantis, he was banned from there.

**Ways to get Zetsu pissed.**

1. Rip a leaf to shreds in front of him. When he ask what you're doing say, "I'm teaching your girlfriend what happens when she curses me out!"

2. Steel Hidan's scythe, than massacre Zetsu's greenhouse. Leave the scythe behind as proof you didn't do it. Make sure it's Hidan's weapon, he'll live if Zetsu eats him.

3. Tell him that the plant channel as been canceled, than plug you innocent virgin ears as he calls the TV station to protest.

4. Trick him into thinking that 'Attack of the Zombie Plants' was coming out soon and that you got two tickets. Then lead him to a room full of Zetsu fangirls (Those exists!)

5. In case of emergency:Run to the desert, he is powerless there!

**Ways to get Konan pissed.**

1. Ask her when she and Pein plan on having a kid and if you can name it 'Cougar'

2. Dye your hair blue, place a flower in your hair, and tell everyone that you're Konan's long lost daughter/son. Videotape Pein's reaction.

3. Pelt her with water balloons filled with permanent ink.

4. Whenever she goes all paper-butterfly scream and leave the room shouting, "I don't want a paper cut!"

5. In case of emergency: Run to the paper shredding company, she's too scared to go there!

**Ways to get Tobi pissed.**

1. Point to him randomly and shout, "Lollipop!"

2. Hold a basketball to his face. When he ask what you are doing say, "I've found your long lost brother!"

3. During a meeting suddenly scream, "_Madara Uchiha!_" When they ask you what the hell you're doing say, "I dunno," And sit back down.

4. Ask him if he's jealous of DeiSaso. If he says no point to him and scream, "Liar!" If he says yes, take him to a therapist.

5. In case of emergency: Run to the Lollipop factory, he feels very violated if he goes there.

**Ways to get Orochimaru pissed.**

1. Ask him if he is Michael Jackson's long lost cousin.

2. Give him a present randomly. Don't tell him who sent it until the evil foxy comes out and attacks him. Then tell him it's from Naruto.

3. Slap him repeatedly and shout, "You're such a failure at life, you child molester!"

4. Ask him if he's got a pet basilisk. If he says no then snap, "Well, Voldemort is a much better villain then you! What're you called? He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Left-Near-Children?"

5. In case of emergency: Run to the 'We-Hate-Snakes-Club.' 'Nuff said.

**Last but not least, Ways to get Pein very pissed.**

1. Nudge the phone to him. When he asks why, say, "Sonic the Hedgehog, your father, wants to speak with you."

2. Tell him that Konan and Deidara are having sex as you speak. Then stand back as he tries to break the door down.

3. Steel all of his copies of 'Twilight' and give them to Kakuzu. Leave as quickly as possible before Pein notices there gone.

4. Follow him all day putting a balloon on his head, and when he asks why say, "I want to see how pointy your hair is and compare it to Minato!"

5. Imitate him doing everything when he's not looking, than when he turns around pretend to be reading 'Ways to get Deidara pissed.'

6. Grab his foot, and let him drag you all around the base.

7. Ask him why he doesn't kick Madara's ass, than gasp every time he opens his mouth

8. When you see God Pein get really mad, slap Deva Pein and said, "I don't even know you anymore!"

9. Tell him that Minato would be a way better leader then him.

10. Stick a sign on his back that says, 'I'm leader of Akatsuki, Kick me!'

11. In case of emergency: Run into a magnetic field as he tries to kill you for coming up with 5 more ways to piss him off then necessary.

**Aki: Well, this just proves you're crazy!**

**DM: I know I am, but what am I?**

**Aki: … Kisame was really banned from Atlantes?**

**DM: Oh yes, it gets much worse. Let me tell ya' that story…**

**Aki: Whoops and we're out of time!**

**DM: Please Read 'n' Review!**

**Aki: Seriously **_**Review!**_

**DM: I appreciate Favs and Alerts but I **_**live **_**off reviews!**

**Aki: So don't just fav and alert **

**DM: R-E-V-I-E-W!**


	2. Near Death By Hot Guys

**DM: Will you stop stalking me GoodyTwoShoes!**

**Aki: Can't you see we don't *bleeping* CARE!**

**DM: I told you on my Ask and Dare, leave me ALONE!**

**Aki: Just read the story!**

**Chapter 1: Pissing off all of Akatsuki**

It was a miserable and rainy day outside home as DM laid on her bunk bed (on the top, of course) and played with her green and orange striped ball. Bouncing it off the ceiling, she gave an irritated sigh when she missed to catch it and it thwacked her head.

"I hate gravity," she muttered as she reached for her laptop. She gave a maniac smile when she saw the words 'Ways to piss off Akatsuki.' "Aki! Come on we're leaving!" she cried as she wrapped up her laptop into a bag.

Aki, DM's trustworthy student in the art of FanFiction making, poked her small head out from the bottom bunk.

"Where are we going, Sensei?"

"To cause strife!"

"But we already caused enough strife to Professor Snape with that stupid opposite charm, who now?"

"To Akatsuki of course!" DM hopped down from her bed and searched through her closet, finally emerging her realistic wig and Akatsuki cloak.

"Mah totally awesome disguise!" she said as she twirled the outfit on. She now had very green eyes, dirty blonde hair, and freckles.

"Wow Sensei, that looks nothing like you!"

"That's the point nimrod!" "You insult hurts me Sensei,"

"Come on let's go!" DM held her hands in a tiger sign and, while grabbing onto Aki, she disappeared in a puff of smoke…

**One week later at some random Akatsuki base in the Narutoverse…**

DM was yet again playing with her green 'n' orange ball. The Akatsuki had finally let her in when they oh-so-happened to have a spot open. Unfortunately, Aki had to pretend to be DM's pet kitty, for they wouldn't let her in.

"So, Sensei? When do you want to torture them?" asked Aki, playing with a ball of yarn.

"When Tobi manages to find his way out of the maze I led him in. In about an hour," Aki gave DM a curious glare, DM simply said, "What? I had to get in somehow, and Madara was more then happy to leave me a spot,"

Aki gave a sigh as she made her way to the door for some dinner…

**1. Whenever they plan an assassination, gasp very dramatically; thump them all on the head, and say, "Go into your timeout corner, no supper for you!"**

DM thought this would be a very dangerous thing to do, considering the fact that Akatsuki barely got used to her, but that won't stop her because if they kill her, she can just come back as a ghost and haunt there asses off.

Walking through the halls, whistling 'Caramelldasen,' with Aki close by her heels, she pressed herself by the door when she heard that a meeting was going on.

She grinned when she heard Pein say, "Got that, Itachi-san? You must go into the deep part of The Village of Mist and assassinate the Mizukage before anyone can find you."

Summoning her handy-dandy, and overly sized mallet, she kicked the door open, gasped, and whammed them all with one hit.

"How dare you try and kill someone! Very, very bad criminals! Go into your timeout corner, no supper for you!"

She grabbed Aki and ran for the exit as the Akatsuki were giving her death glares meant for Adolph Hitler.

**2. Badger them all day and tell them to have an Annual Movie night. If they agree, rent every single Barbie/Barney movie in existents, and force them to watch it. If they didn't agree, drag um' into the room, tie them to chairs and force them to watch the movie's anyway.**

DM considered this one to be even more of a challenge because it required a lot of patience and she just didn't have that.

"Maybe you can use that to your advantage, Sensei." Said Aki, as DM voiced her troubles. Giving a nod DM said, "Right, go and rent the movies, I'd better start with Tobi…"

**One hour later…**

"Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaassssssssssssseeeeeeeee…" whined DM as she tried to persuade Kisame to come. Sasori, Itachi, Konan, Zetsu, and Hidan all said no, but Tobi, Deidara, and Kakuzu all said yes. Kakuzu and Deidara perplexed her, but she shrugged it off as she waited for Pein to come back from his mission, and Aki to come back from the video store.

"I said _no_!" snapped Kisame for the 18th time. Giving up, DM sighed and knocked him out with K.O. gas, like she did for all the other's who rejected.

"Ku ku ku ku ku…" she giggled as she bound the shark-man to a spiny chair and rolled him to all the other captives in the den.

Finally Aki came walking in with a bag tied to her tail. She grinned triumphantly as DM untied it and popped the first Barbie movie into the DVD player.

She put a bullhorn next to the speaker, and when it was introduce, DM was sure that China heard what was going on.

Everyone who was knocked out woke up and tried desperately to flee, and everyone who opted to come tried desperately to break down the doors. The only ones who weren't freaking out were DM (who was eating popcorn) Aki (who was grooming her black fur) and Tobi (but DM and Aki were sure that he was crying underneath that mask.)

Pein came walking in to hear the tabooed 'I love you' Barney song and all of his teammates on the ground either insane (cackling madly) or twitching on the ground (in the beetle position, naturally.)

By the time he looked over to DM and Aki, the two had already gone, but left a note…

_Dear Pe- Leader-sama, I am terribly sorry at what happened let me tell you. All of Akatsuki got this crazy idea of an Annual Movie Night. I tried to talk them out of it, but you know how they are. The fact was that they sent Tobi to fetch the movies, and… you know how it ends. _

_Yours truly, DM_

**3. Give the keys and location to their hideout to the most crazy and obsessive fangirls/guys, then say you're going to for walk when they come ambushing in. When you get back and see them nearly ripped to shreds ask very childishly, "Did the big bad foxy get you?"**

DM immediately went to the nut house for this job. E-mailing all of the worst cases, she sent Aki to go and spring them.

"Tell them to be here at 5:00 pm, they'll be at there weakest!" she told her sidekick as Aki sprinted to the ward.

"I'm going for a walk!" she shouted to the Akatsuki and left the door. After a few hours, she checked her watch and walked back to base.

She saw nothing but debris as she saw what was once the base. Kneeling down to the closest person to her (Itachi) she said, "Did da big bad foxy get ju?"

**4. Tell Orochimaru that they're willing to let him back, so long as he arrives naked, than wear 'Orochimaru Proof' sunglasses when he comes walking in on Movie Night. Tape the others scream 'My Eyes!' then sell that clip on e-bay.**

"What kind of sick person would write this crap?!" asked Aki, glaring at the laptop screen. DM just shrugged and teleported over to Voldemort's brother's lair.

"Holy crap!" shouted Orochimaru, as DM poofed next to him. He gave a creepy smile and said, "And who are you my dear?"

"Save it, I just wanted to let you know that Akatsuki wants you to come back!" DM said, holding Aki protectively as he considered it.

"What if I don't want to go?"

"You have to come back naked."

"Deal."

"Great doing business with you, knock-off of Voldemort." DM smiled as she poofed back to Akatsuki's base.

It was hard, getting Orochimaru Proof sunglasses, but she just nicked Kabuto's glasses, those seemed to work. And they did!

"Hey guys! Thanks for letting me back in-" Orochimaru came striding in, but everyone was already on the ground, writhing in pain as there eyes burned.

"My eyes! I'm blind!" cried Itachi as DM videotaped everyone, completely unaffected.

"This is so going to Sasuke, he'll pay a lot of money for this!" said DM, laughing like a mad man.

**5. In case of emergency: **_**Run for your life.**_

DM was reading her laptop and walking the halls at the same time. "In case of emergency… What could that mean…?"

"I'll tell what it means, yeah." DM turned to see all of Akatsuki lined up in front of her. Taking the words to heart, she grabbed Aki and ran out of the base screaming.

"It's best if we stay away from there for a few weeks, Sensei!" yelled Aki, in human form, as she ran beside her.

Aki: That was…interesting…

* * *

**DM: Up next is Deidara-Sempi!**

**Aki: And remember that we want everyone to review!**

**DM: Excluding the stalker known as GoodyTwoShoes…**

**Aki: Bye bye!**


	3. Steer Clear Of Bombs

**DM: Hey, how's it going?**

**Aki: Hey, read the story!**

**Chapter 2: Pissing off Deidara**

**1. Sing at the top of your lungs 'Dude, you look like a lady' and hide really quickly when he tries to find you.**

"Sensei I don't think it's such a good idea. Your singing is so bad that _all _of Akatsuki will be after you," said Aki, as she worriedly looked over the latest 'Piss Off's' as DM called them.

Unfortunately the Akatsuki put up a poster claiming that a girl with dirty blonde hair, freckles, and green eyes was never to join Akatsuki _ever _again.

Fortunately, she has a lot of disguise up her sleeve. DM, who now had brown hair tied up in a ponytail, and had blue eyes looked down at the computer screen.

"Oh come on Aki, don't be such a worry-wart," she smirked before the microphone in her ear; they placed speakers all over the base. They were waiting until Deidara fell asleep.

After 10 minutes, Deidara was sleeping, and DM smiled as she remembered she placed a speaker in his pillow.

"Okay here we go," she said breathlessly. She took a deep breath and shrilled, "_DUDE LOOKS LIKE A LADY!!!"_

"WWWHHHAAAA, UN!!" they heard a certain blonde artist scream. DM completely panicked when she realized she didn't have a hiding place.

"Run Sensei! Just run!" Aki shouted as they heard footsteps quickly approaching their room. DM dived under her bed when the door was kicked open.

"Where is it?!" he asked sharply. Aki said tentatively, "Why so serious Sempi?"

"You know why! Where is she?!"

"Oh all right… Tobi did it!"

"T-Tobi?"

"That's right! Tobi told us that he would plant speakers in your room. That's what happened Sempi."

Deidara fled the room yelling the name of his next victim.

**2. Die his Akatsuki cloak pink, and glue very large bra's in the chest area, then during the next meeting say "Hey look, Deidara has a sister."**

DM flat out refused to do this assignment (saying she loved Deidara too much) so she assigned Aki do the job.

In her cat disguise Aki waited for Deidara to hop in the shower to start her assignment, and to make sure she had time she replaced Deidara's shampoo with super sticky and liquidity bubble gum.

Once Aki heard the water running she nicked the cloak and dragged it to the washer room. Placing it in the machine along with two dozen red socks, she waited for 15 minutes for the colors to mix in.

As she waited she snuck into Konan's room and took all of her bras. Walking back to the room, she glued the bras to the cloak, placed the cloak back in the drawer and, for safety measures, placed a gen-jutsu on it so he won't see what it really is until someone else (Aki) would point it out.

DM refused to attend the meeting so Aki filled in for her. She explained that she was DM's assistant and that she was currently sick.

After a while it was only Deidara that didn't come to Pein's meeting, Aki planted a concrete wall in his doorway so he would purposely be last to arrive.

After another 5 minutes Deidara came walking in and said, "Sorry I'm late, some idiot planted a wall in my door-"

"Hey look, Deidara has a sister!" Aki shouted, pointing at the cross dresser. Deidara stared at her, then took in all of the shocked faces before saying, "What are you talking-"

He looked down at the pink and boob-induced robe and got really red really fast. He wasn't the only one.

"So _you're_ the one who stole all of my bra's?!" Konan asked furiously. Deidara was seen with a terrified looking expression before he was chased out by an enraged female and a picture-snapping Aki.

**3. Tell him Tobi just told you his most deepest and darkest secret, and that you just posted it on the Internet. When he accidentally tells you his secret (they always do) say, "Nah, but I was recording the whole conversation. TO THE INTERNET!" And flee.**

"I can't wait for this," said DM quietly, hiding the recording device in her ponytail. Walking up to Deidara she ran up to him and said, "Hi Sempi!"

"Hi…" he muttered, he was bruised all over from Konan and all the fangirls. Turning her volume on high she said quietly and threateningly, "Guess what Sempi, Tobi just told me your most deepest and darkest secret!"

He looked at her with upmost horror and blushed. He started to splutter, "H-he told you…"

I gave an earnest nod and said, "Yeah!"

"He told you I have an unbearably huge crush on you, hmm?!" he finished, DM went white and her jaw unhinged from her mouth. Next second she had a nose bleed that shot her across the room and knocked her unconscious.

Aki, who had no idea what had happened, decided to finish the dare by walking up to the blood covered blonde and shouted, "Nah, but I was recording the whole conversation. TO THE INTERNET!"

And she grabbed her Sensei and ran away from the baffled and confused blonde.

**4. Ask him the true meaning of art, and during the first 5 minutes of his speech, snore **_**very **_**loudly. When he shakes you awake, yell at him, "Sasori's art is better!"**

It took about 6 months to finally start this assignment, for DM was now dating Deidara, she (just like the mission before the last one) refused to do it. So Aki decided to pull it off.

Aki finally managed to get Deidara alone one evening, and cornered him. She gave a deep breath before saying, "Deidara what's the true meaning of art?"

"Oh…oh…urm, well, Fine art is the beauty of that single fleeting moment of explosion Life's only beautiful ... because it's so fleeting, so transient, art is a moment's beauty ... fragile ... fleeting ... hmmm-" Deidara was cut off when he heard loud snoring.

He started to poke Aki in the head slightly, very irritated. "Hey, hmmm. Wake _up_, hmmm!" he said as she didn't move.

After a few minutes, he shrugged and turned to leave, but he was stopped when someone jerked awake and shrieked, "Sasori's art is better, baka!"

**5. In case of emergency: Run like your being chased by a psychopathic bomber.**

Aki was already in the countryside by the time she read number 5, after that last stunt she was in 'Deidara's Want To Kill Top 10' and Aki was right under Orochimaru.

DM was still back at base, trying to convince Deidara to lie off, but she and he were so lovesick it was about 5 weeks until Aki could come back, but she had to be re-disguised has a black kitty yet again.

* * *

**DM: *Glomping Sempi***

**Aki: You sicken me Sensei**

**DM: It's ain't my fault that you decided to take the missions in your own hands!**

**Aki: Next is Sasori-kun…**

**DM: *Still Glomping Sempi* **


	4. Don't Let The Puppet Get You

**DM: I **_**sooooo**_** forgot to do a disclaimer!**

**Aki: Tobi, disclaim!**

**Tobi: DM-chan doesn't own anyone 'cept herself, Aki, and the original 'Piss Offs'! **

**Aki: Tobi's a good boy!**

**Tobi: ^.^**

**Chapter 3: Pissing off Sasori**

**1. Ask him for hours how such a bumbling idiot like Tobi could replace him. When he snap's at you say, "Yeesh, ya' know what? I like Tobi better!" then stopped on his foot and leave the room dramatically.**

DM hid behind the wall as Sasori was walking around the corner. Taking a deep breath she popped out from behind it, went nose to nose with her victim and said, "Hi Danna! What'cha doin?"

He glared at her for a moment before shrugging and walking right past her. DM, completely unaffected from his coldness, ran beside's him and said, "Hey Danna, can I ask you a question?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Pl_ease_?"

"No."

"Pur-_lease_?!"

"…alright…"

"YOSH! So…how 'bout them Knicks?"

"Excuse me?!"

Everyone knew that Sasori was a Lakers fan; she shrugged and blabbed, "Sohow can such a bumbling idiot like Tobi could replace you Danna?"

He didn't answer her so she trudged on…

8:57 A.M.

"Danna, how can _Tobi _replace you?

3:29 P.M.

"Sasori-san, of all people why did that moron take your place?"

7:12 P.M.

"_SASORI-SAAAAAAN?!"_

"I DON'T KNOW, NOW LEAVE ME _ALONE_!!!"

DM glared into Sasori's eyes as he shook with anger. Giving an angry sniff she snapped, "Yeesh, ya' know what? I like Tobi better, _baka_!"

Following the directions she dig her heel into his foot, held her chin high and stomped out of the room leaving him bouncing around, holding his foot while muttering a few choice swear words.

**2. Dip all of his weapons in maple syrup; when he asks you what you're doing, say "It's a new poison, very fatal." Then laugh your ass off during his next fight. **

DM glared at the screen. To pull this task off it would require stealth, cunning plans, and a fierce knowledge of the human mind.

"_TTTOOOOOOOBBBBIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!"_ she cried at the top of her lungs.

"Yes DM-chan?!" asked said man, peaking his head behind DM's door. She faced her figure to him and said, "Go and get ALL of Danna's weapons! And a vat of maple syrup!"

"B-b-but DM-chan, Tobi doesn't think this is a good idea-"

He stopped talking when DM pulled something out of her pocket. Tobi made a girlish shriek when it was his stuffed animal teddy bear, and a flame thrower.

"Get the weapons and syrup or Mr. Snugglewoffins GET'S IT!!!"

He fled the room…

**Five minutes later…**

"WTF ARE YOU DOING?!?!"

DM turned to see Sasori panting heavily in the doorway. She smirked and said, "Don't worry Danna, I feel bad about stomping on your foot so I got a very new (very fatal) poison!"

He blinked and said, "Oh…well, that's very considerate of you…" he left the room.

_The fool_, she thought, and felt an evil laugh coming on.

**One week later…**

"DM I'LL FREAKING KILL YOOOOOUUUUU!!!"

DM was too busy laughing to notice the death threat.

**3. Place a very tiny MP3 player in his room, than place it on 'I've got no strings' to play at top volume all day long. When he asks you where it is, shrug and start singing along very loudly.**

DM told Aki to pull off this one, considering she was now banned from Sasori's room. So said apprentice (in cat form) very smoothly sneaked into his room. With the MP3 player in her mouth she hid it in his computer.

Fiddling around with the machine a little, Aki finally managed to connect the MP3 with the CP's speakers, and fled the room.

Giving the remote to activate the MP3 to DM, Aki said, "It's all done Sensei!" 'Sensei' gave an evil smile and said, "Excellent…" and pressed the button that said 'play'…

**A few minutes later…**

"_WHERE IS IT?!?!" _shouted a very pissed Sasori, plugging his ears from the loud music. DM said absolutely nothing. After five minutes she shrugged and screamed, "_I'VE GOT NO STRINGS, TO HOLD ME DOWN-"_

Sasori tackled DM to the ground, ending the attempt altogether.

**4. Tell him that you've decided to present 'Pinocchio' as your pick for movie night. Instead show an R rated movie that involves the dismemberment to puppets.**

"I didn't know that there was a R-rated movie that involved the…the 'dis..mem…_ber_…ment to puppets," said Aki, her paws trailing on her tail in nervousness. "_And don't make me look like an idiot by pronouncing words like that_!!"

"You can't tell me what to do!" said DM, a plan already formulating in her twisted head, "Authoress pwns all!"

Aki sighed, raised herself to four paws and said, "I'll go to the blockbuster."

"YOSH!"

While Aki left the room to fetch the movie, DM waited at the front entrance of the current Akatsuki base. Since her last mission ended pretty badly Leader had confided her to parole, she is not to leave the hideout under no circumstances whatsoever (unless someone tells her too) for two weeks, so she sat there until Sasori came back from his mission.

The red-head came walking up, when he spotted DM he inwardly groaned. Said girl jumped to two feet, walked to Sasori and said excitedly, "Hey Danna, guess what!"

"I'm afraid if I do I'm going to sorely regret it," the puppet man replied, but he gave a big sigh and said, "What?"

"My pick for movie night is gonna be Pinocchio!" she answered, jumping up and down happily. Sasori gave her a skeptical look and asked, "Would this by any chance be an attempt to lure me alone, you tie me to a chair, and force me to watch a horror movie that involves death to puppets, would it?"

_Right on the mark_?! DM thought with a rush of panic, then she gave a look that said 'how-could-you-even-think-I-would-do-that' and she stated, "Of course not Danna, I would never!" she raised three fingers and said, "Scouts Honor."

He rolled his eyes but otherwise agreed to go to movie night. She gave a false smile and thought, _I'm not lying after all, I never thought of tying him to a chair, _and _the movie is about 'dismemberment'! Not death! False move Danna!_

So it was evening time and Sasori walked over to the movie room. When did they even get a movie room? Anyway, Sasori opened the door then closed it behind him, only to be welcomed to utter darkness.

"Hello?" he called, then without warning he heard a loud shuffling, a bang, crash, the sound of rope being tied, and he found himself strapped to a chair. The only source of light was from a snowy TV, and Sasori was aware of two people standing on either side of him.

"Are you ready Sasori-san?" DM said evilly, "Aki, roll the DVD."

Sasori saw a girl with a black bandanna walk towards the TV, push something in, then turned around to give an evil smile.

Sasori had nightmares for weeks.

**5. In case of emergency: Run to Konoha, he can't follow you there. **

"You think they'll let us in Sensei?!" Aki shouted, trying to get her Sensei's attention. DM was currently packing at supersonic speed. Pausing for a quick second she did a quick hand seal and transformed into her first disguise, the dirty-blond.

"Well, they might once they learn I'm an 'enemy' of Akatsuki," she said resuming her quick packing.

"And if they don't?" asked Aki timidly. DM looked at her and said quickly, "If they don't then I'll _make _them, through the power of Autheressism!!"

DM threw on her over-the-shoulder bag, grabbed Aki and threw the door open. She nearly fainted when the red-head was standing right behind it. They stared at each other before DM threw Aki at Sasori and said, "Attack my pet!!" and she flew down the hall.

* * *

**DM: I'm so glad I got this done!**

**Aki: You were gone for three months? What's the deal?!**

**DM: 'The deal' is that I'm working on six other stories right now, and life at school's been very stressful!**

**Aki: Excuses, excuses, excuses…**

**DM: I'm just glad I got this out before Christmas! **

**Aki: Yeah, yeah, just be sure to get me an actual present this year will ya'!**

**DM: What was wrong with last year's gift?!**

**Aki: Rocks wrapped up in a box don't count Sensei!**

**DM: **_**THEY WERE PRICELESS CRYSTALS AND YOU KNOW IT!!!**_

**Aki: *Sigh* Please Read 'N' Review…**

**DM: And Happy Holidays to all!**


	5. Never Give A Weasel A Chainsaw

**DM: Jaw, jaw, jaw! I'm **_**baaaaack**_**!**

**Aki: Just when we thought you were dead…**

**DM: What? I have been busy lately!**

**Aki: Yeah, doing what? Playing Kingdom Hearts and watching Bleach?**

**DM: **_**Nooooooooooo**_**!!!**

**Aki: …**

**DM: …If anyone knows how to defeat the Xemnas bosses please tell me!! **_**He won't freakin die**_**!!**

**Aki: *Sigh* DM does not own anything affiliated with Naruto, but she does own the original "Piss Off's."**

**DM: **_**Oh Zexion-chaaaan! Where are yooooou?!**_

**Aki: *Face-palm***

**Chapter 4: Pissing of Itachi**

**1. Ask him why he has creepy eye line thingy's, than laugh for 5 minutes every time he tries to answer.**

"Tachi-kun? Can I ask you something?"

DM sat on the table across from the Uchiha with an innocent expression, even though she was far from innocent. She managed to sneak back into Akatsuki after she asked a friend of hers to shuffle around some memories, so now they all thought she was Deidara's long-lost twin sister. Hidan wouldn't let it go that Deidara looked more like her than the other way around. Feminine.

"Weasel-kun?"

"Don't call me that."

DM narrowed her eyes and tilted her head as she watched Itachi drink tea. After a few minutes of her stare of doom Itachi placed the drink on the table and said, "What?"

"Well…I mean, um…urm…" started DM, fiddling her fingers like Hinata does, "Why do you have creepy eye creases? You're not very old, are you?"

He quirked an eyebrow (and the fangirls went crazy) and stared at DM like she was senile, which in a manner of speaking she was. After her eyes started to glaze over from staring back he sighed and said, "Well, it's really-"

He never, _ever_, got to finish because at that moment DM fell to the floor and looked like she was having convulsions. Itachi's eyebrows shot up in instant alarm when she started screeching in pain. It took five minutes (which Itachi did absolutely _nothing_ to help her) that the pride of the Uchiha clan realized something.

She was laughing.

Finally propping herself up, she wiped away a tear and sat on the stool, then stared at Itachi. It took him a few seconds to get that she wanted him to answer the first question. He answered it with another one, or at least tried too.

"What was-"

He was cut off when DM smacked her head on the table at started shaking violently with laughter. When she re-raised her head the Uchiha was gone, leaving DM to check No. 1 off of her list.

**2. Trip him randomly in the hallway, tape it, than edit it to where it's in slow mo. When you present it to Movie Night, scream, "**_**Matrix!"**_

Swinging her arms back and forth while walking in the hallway, Aki started whistling the theme song to Code Lyoko while keeping check of the secret camera in her brand new watch.

Ever since Aki had tried her hand with these Piss Off's with Deidara she found it…not her thing (she wasn't immorally corrupt like her Sensei). It took days for DM to convince her to do this job, and even then DM had to offer the watch for Aki to keep. It was a plus that in was solid gold with diamond hands and face.

Quickly shuffling behind the wall when the Uchiha came walking around the corner, Aki pressed the small button and activated the hidden camera just as her Sensei told her too.

Counting to ten in her head Aki jutted her foot out, completely taking the Uchiha by surprise as he fell face down.

Aki fled the room before Itachi could compose himself.

Half an hour later all of the Akatsuki gathered in the movie room at DM's request, although they were wondering why they were taking orders from the supposed sister of Deidara.

The said girl came walking into the room looking so smug that her aura nearly smothered them. Kisame asked her what happened.

"I…uh…I, um, I finally managed to beat Xemnas…" she said awkwardly, "…yeah, that works…"

Pein nodded his head; that sounded right, though he was a bit resentful. _He _hadn't managed to beat the Xemnas boss; he made a mental note to ask DM for cheats later.

He snapped out of his reverie when DM placed in a DVD. He was stunned to see it when he saw Itachi, falling over and over again with Cartoon Heroes playing to it. Pein looked over to Itachi, who had murder flashing in his eyes, and looked down to DM who had just screamed, "_Matrix_!"

She was last seen being dragged out by Itachi and laughing herself blue.

**4. Give five hour long speech on why he shouldn't have killed his clan and make Sasuke's life such a living hell, then once your done glare at him stupidly and ask, "What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room you sick pervert!"**

"…and another thing, you realize how many little girls he's raped by now?! How scarred they would be?! And how many times Orochimaru must have molested him like so?! You ruined _everything_ and made him emo!"

Itachi glared at DM with a passionate dislike. After the whole Matrix incident DM had gained the upper deck for reasons unknown to him and now had him hanging upside down with a chakra induced rope tied to his right ankle, leaving his left leg hanging uselessly. (Raise your hand if you just had a mega nosebleed!!!)

It took a lot of willpower for DM to not do anything rash, but it grew harder when his robe started to fall to the mercy of gravity. She wrapped her speech up quickly.

"…so it _proves _that you shouldn't have screwed Sasuke's life up! We could have one less emo in the world, but _nooooo_!" and she gave him her shoulder, and crossed her arms.

After five minutes of Itachi hanging uselessly DM turned back to him and glared at him stupidly.

"What the hell are you doing here? Get out of my room you sick pervert!"

Itachi then cocked an eyebrow at her (DM nearly died of blood-loss) and said coldly, "I'm inclined to say that, after all, _you _are the one keeping me prisoner against my will-"

DM couldn't help it. She grabbed her camera and snapped away in pursuit in paying for the watch she bought Aki.

**5. In case of emergency: Run, kid, **_**run**_

"All ready on it!" DM shouted into her phone, which was nestled between her cheek and shoulder since her hands were busy. On hand was holding the photos she took of Itachi as helpless as a stray puppy-dog (I _know_ some of you fanlings died! Don't you lie to me!) while the other was holding back a furious pack of wolves…I mean, bidders.

"Aki, are you ready?" she shouted over the fan pack to her apprentice who was on the other end. She heard Aki's 'yes' though it was muffled since she was holding the phone away from her too sensitive ears…the pack was deafening, even through a cell phone.

"Okay! I'm ready when you are!" and with that DM threw the photos into the air. When the pack went into a frenzy she slithered like a snake underneath them and successfully managed to snag away. Aki was waiting around the edges of the crowd with a Ferrari waiting behind her.

"Alright, then let's go!" said DM hopping into the drivers seat (even though she was a year away from license) and pressed down onto the pedal.

**DM: What a nice getaway car!**

**Aki: A little too much, don't you think?**

**DM: Ever here of getting away with style?!**

**Aki: …um…**

**DM: Jaw, jaw, jaw…finally beat Xemnas!**

**Aki: I like Xemnas-**

**DM: **_**ZEXION-KUUUUUUUUN**_**!**

**Aki: …I like Xemnas…**


	6. Religious Guys Are The Most Dangerous

**DM: OMG, IT'S BEEN EXACTLY A YEAR AND A DAY SINCE I LAST UPDATED THIS! **

**Aki: The sad part is, is that you had this ready for about nine months...**

**DM: BUT IT AIN'T MAI FAULT! *Curls up in the emo corner***

**Aki: Oh jeez...**

**DM: Senpai! Disclaim for us!**

**Deidara: DM does not own Naruto or anything related it. She only owns Aki, herself, and the plot to this awful parody—**

**DM: AWFUL? ****D:**

**Aki: Please give warm greetings to our guest star, ****TheEnchantingNinjaPenguin.**

**Chapter 4: Pissing off Hidan**

**1. Exist (he hates it when I do that!)**

"Um…Sensei?" asked Aki warily. "How do we irritate Hidan by…existing?" Aki looked confused, but DM turned pale. She, again, managed to slip back into Akatsuki but this time she had to act as a subterranean spy for Akatsuki, and was bunking with the gang for 'training' purposes. At least, as far as the Akatsuki members knew.

"I knew it," said DM suddenly, "we're going to have to call in a professional."

"_Professional_?" proclaimed Aki as DM reached for her cell phone and started to click in a number. "We need to hire a professional to _exist_?" DM ignored her as she raised the phone to her ear and waited as it ringed.

"Hey, we have a job for you. Can you make it?"

Aki heard someone on the other line.

"Okay," said DM. "Help us out, and the boy is all yours—"

DM held the phone away from her ear as the person started to scream in delight, Aki heard an "_I'LL DO IT! I'LL DO IT!_"

"Perfect," said DM, with an evil expression on her face.

A few minutes later DM's call-in was waiting patiently by the front door eating a taco.

"Aki, this is Erin," said DM, gesturing towards the computer. "Your assignment, Erin-chan."

"Righty-o!" said Erin happily and leaned down to read No. 1.

A few minutes later Erin walked down the hall at the same time Hidan was coming back from a long and stressful mission, looking mad.

"Hey, Hidan-chan!" said Erin, grabbing the Jashin's attention. "Check it out! I'm _existing_!"

"_I'M GOING TO #^%!*& KILL YOU, YOU #^%!*& LITTLE %!$!_" Screamed Hidan, grabbing his scythe and swinging it towards DM's call-in.

Erin ran for her life.

**2. Whenever he comes walking down the hall flee into a corner and scream "Christ repels you, you sick, sick man!"**

DM, Aki, and Erin sat inside of DM's makeshift bedroom planning, scheming, playing video games, and eating tacos. After about three hours the three girls spilt up and waited in different corners of the hideout.

DM, who was sitting down in the wreck room, smirked when Hidan walked around the corner. When he walked past her DM screeched as if she was in pain. Hidan flinched and looked around to see DM in fetus position and was crying hysterically.

"What the _#%_ are you doing?" yelled Hidan, DM screeched even louder and screamed at him, "Christ repels you!"

After about ten minutes Hidan gave up trying to calm down DM he left her before anyone else showed up. Once his footsteps had disappeared DM started speaking briskly into a walky-talky, "The bird is flying, I repeat the bird is flying!"

About five minutes later the same thing happened to Hidan, but this time with Aki. She did everything DM, but held up a crucifix for added effect. He fled the scene.

_What is with those two_? Hidan thought (a miracle I know) as he made his way outside and into the forest. He perked his head when he heard a twig snap. Looking around he saw Erin walking away from him, holding something behind her back.

"Oi! You!" yelled Hidan, trying to catch the girls attention. "You're friends with DM, what's got her so cr—"

Hidan didn't finish his sentence because Erin turned, shrieked at him, "Christ repels you, you sick, sick man!" and she threw Holy Water on him.

Hidan went down in flames.

**3. Lock him in a room full of Asuma fangirls, then record the sounds coming from there.**

The girls had to wait about three weeks before pulling off this prank, for Hidan had to recover from the last one ("_Holy water_! Why did _I _think of that?" screeched DM) so they watched the latest anime episodes as he recouped. When he _did _recover fully DM was already on the case. She called every Asuma fangirl she knew and invited them over. Granted, when they got there it took the power of all three girls to keep them charging over to Hidan right then and there.

"Hey, Hidan-chan!" It was five thirty in the afternoon and Aki was waiting patiently outside Hidan's room. Barely giving a wave of acknowledgement Hidan glumly walked away from her. She gave a tiny pout, but walked up next to him anyway and said, "Hey Hidan! You will never _guess_ what we found on our last mission!"

She grabbed his collar so she could whisper briskly in his ear then she pelted away leaving the dumbstruck Jashin in her footsteps. After a few seconds he streaked after her.

A little while later he was standing in front of a door. Kicking it open he shouted, "_Lord Jashin! I have come for—_"

He paused when he was welcomed to about thirty or so pissed off looking girls. _Wrong room_? He thought as he tried to back away back outside, but he found the door to be closed.

**~*O*~**

"How did you get him in there?" yelled Erin over the noise of the screaming and cries of pain. Aki held the recorder up to the door and answered, "I told him we found his precious Jashin-sama and it was a hook, line, and sinker from there."

They were silent for a few more minutes, listening to the yelling in the other room. Then DM said enviously "How come _you _guys keep on getting the strokes of brilliance?"

**4. Whenever he says something make a very loud beeping noise. Continue to do so until the Asuma fangirls find him again.**

"Haha!" cried DM, looking at the computer screen with Aki and Erin. "This should be enough to drive him over the wall!"

"You know Sensei I always figured you liked Hidan," said Aki, sighing.

"I do. But I also love Deidara, yet that didn't stop me from placing his name in this parody, did it?" asked DM, she shut down the laptop and all three of the girls walked outside.

**~*O*~**

In ten minutes the three girls were walking down the same hall in which Hidan was talking to Kakuzu.

"I'm telling you, those girls are %^&*^$ demons!" whispered Hidan frantically. Kakuzu stared stupidly at his partner and said nothing. "Why are you being so—" started Hidan.

"_Beep_!" cried DM. Hidan looked over to her, and DM felt as if though she was now on his 'To Die' list.

"What are you—" started Hidan again.

"_BEEP_!" shouted Aki, cupping her hands around her mouth.

"Stop—" said Hidan, this time reaching for his scythe.

"_BLEEP_!" yelled Erin, speaking out of a bullhorn. Kakuzu was knocked off of his feet. But Hidan must have had super sticky shoes or something because he remained upright. He unsheathed his weapon and chased after the girls. They ran in a blur.

Once the escaped him, DM, Erin, and Aki locked themselves in the nearest room. Pressing their ears next to the door they listened as the Asuma fangirls came out of nowhere and did their part. The girls high-fived each other jubilantly.

**5. In case of emergency: Run like the wind!**

Still locked in the closet DM, Aki, and Erin waited as the hours passed. "I can't believe that you pushed the key underneath the door Aki," grumbled DM, feeling stiffer and stiffer with every second for sitting in such a cramp space for so long.

"It's not my fault!" cried Aki, pausing to sneeze. "How do you even know it was me?"

"Tacos~!" moaned Erin, her stomach rumbling loudly. Before, however, either of the girls could react the door to the closet was violently ripped off its hinges and flew across the hallway.

"Oh, finally!" cried DM making to sit up, but she froze when she saw who was standing in the doorway.

"You…" said Hidan, looking as pissed as hell. "You three…are _so_…dead…"

"AAAAHHHHHHH!" cried the girls as the shuffled there way to the very back of the closet. However there was no escape.

So much for Number Five.

**Five Weeks Later**

"Never…again…" moaned Erin, in a full body cast looking dejected. DM lay right beside her, along with Aki, all three in hospital beds and all three looking horrified.

"Sorry Erin-chan…"said DM weakly. "But it had to be done…"

"Do I…still get…?" started Erin, and DM nodded swiftly.

"Of course!" shouted DM, using some weird healing power and jumping out of bed, good as new. She raised a whistle to her lips.

"In exchange for helping us complete list Hidan," started DM dramatically, "Erin-chan I give you the wonderful…_Itachi-kun_!"

And on that note Itachi was dragged into the room by one of DM's various underlings. The Uchiha was wearing a cute pink bow with a sticky note that said "Property of Erin: DO NOT TOUCH."

Erin, also using some unknown super-quick healing power, leaped out of bed.

"VICTORY!"

**DM: *Groans* Sure doesn't feel like a victory…**

**Aki: You brought that on yourself Sensei…**

**DM: *Sigh* Well, I hope you all can forgive me for taking so long. I hate high school...and especically Edline. **

**Aki: A misunderstanding can go a long way...**

**DM: Thanks to Erin-chan for participating in this episode! Hopefully I'll find the inspiration to work on the next chappie.**

**Aki: There's more?**


	7. Money Is The Root Of All Craziness

**Aki: Please welcome our newest guest to the party 'deidara is awesome'. Senpai, you mind disclaiming?**

**Deidara: DM does not own Naruto, just the list to this parody, and the chains holding me in this dungeon-**

**Aki: Senpai! *Slap***

**Chapter 5: Pissing Kakuzu Off**

Aki glared angrily at the door, feeling the last few months' frustrations tingling up her skin. Sighing, she pounded on the door, and hearing the distracted, "It's open" on the other side she walked in. She was welcomed to the sight of her Sensei staring at the TV, a Wii remote in hand.

"DM, what are you doing?" she asked testily. DM swung the remote violently a few times before murmuring, "Playing Zelda." Aki's glare intensified.

"I can see," she growled. "What I meant was what are you doing _here_ when you should be out _there_?" She jabbed her head towards the door. "It's been four months since you worked on your fanfiction, and your _reviewers _are getting testy." She flinched when DM clucked her tongue.

"Those guys never review my stories anyway, why should I care?" she snapped.

"Sensei, this is your most read story. It has over fifty reviews, and over three-thousand hits," Aki said impatiently, knowing this was one of those moments when DM wanted to be slow. DM shook her head.

"That's not saying much," she muttered. "What about all my other precious ficlets?"

"Look, it was your choice to fall in love with a non-canon couple, don't blame the Narutards!" Aki jumped when DM appeared just in front of her.

"But Azureshipping is forever!" she wailed, tears brimming over her eyes. "I haven't even watched Naruto in over two years, and I'm just _waiting_ to hear the news that Naruto is dead." Aki watched as DM sat back down on the couch. "At least in Yu-Gi-Oh Seto is still alive, but all of my love interests in Naruto are crowfood!" Aki let out a frustrated wail before stomping out of the room.

"Fine! Be a jerk! See if I care!" she shrieked.

"Fine!" DM cried.

"Fine!"

"_Fine!_"

"_FINE!_"

Aki slammed the door, and pulled out her phone. "If Sensei won't help me, I'll just call in some backup." She raised the phone to her ear.

**~*O*~**

Two weeks had passed since Aki had taken matter into her own hands. Currently occupying DM's secret room in the Akatsuki base, she ran up and opened the door when she heard a knock. She smiled when she saw who it was.

"Glad you could make it Haley," she said, welcoming her in. Haley nodded her blonde head and walked in.

"So where's Me—" she was shushed when Aki flapped her hand at her.

"Around here, we just call her DM," she explained. "And she's going through something right now, so it's just you and me." Haley nodded. "And yes, you'll get your prize as well for doing this for me. So, ya'll ready for this?"

**1. Do absolutely nothing (Waste time, waste money!)**

Not entirely sure where to start Aki and Haley sat down in the hallway, trying to think up an idea. Aki was clucking her tongue as Haley bit her nails. "So what's the plan?" Haley turned to Aki to ask. Aki was glaring sullenly at a tiny spider that burst into flames from her stare.

"I don't know," she admitted. "DM is the one to do all this crazy stuff, not me."

After a few more minutes of waiting Aki perked her ears when she heard some commotion going on below. Unbeknownst to the two scheming girls above, on the below floor Kakuzu was returning from a mission, looking extremely ticked off.

"I'm just saying that the Land of Waves is looking so pretty this year!" Hidan complained, a volcano erupting at the fact that he didn't curse. Ever since his encounter with that underling Akatsuki member, he's been real messed up. "We never do anything with each other anymore!"

"That is because we _hate_ each other!" Kakuzu cried, his eyes going blood red as he fired a glare at his partner. Hidan broke down into tears and fled the room, calling him a meanieface. Rolling his eyes, Kakuzu made a mental note to find and poison this DM later.

As he began to walk to his room he was too distracted to notice the two girls lounging on the wall, doing absolutely nothing. Aki was sitting cross-legged while Haley had her legs stretched in front of her. As Kakuzu walked by, it was too late.

"_AAHHHH!" _he cried as he tripped over her. The girls gasped in shock as they watched Kakuzu roll down the hallway. Then fall down the stairs. Then roll out the door. Then fall off the cliff. Then be dropped into the ocean near Kisame's shark friends, who happened to had been fasting.

Aki and Haley gaped in wonder as they heard his cry in the distance.

"Holy hell, it _worked_," Aki said in wonderment. She turned to Haley. "You're really good at this."

**2. Give all of his money to Mr. Krabs. Then say he has to earn it all back by working at the Krusty Krab.**

Rushed from the happiness and shock of completing the first order, the two girls immediately went for Kakuzu's secret safe underneath his bed. They actually had to get some shovels and dig their way to it, and deactivate a few laser traps James Bond style, carrying a few singes along the way. The old man was as paranoid as a vampire in a Twilight convention.

"_Got it!" _Haley cried. Both she and Aki had to drag it out and use some serious mental power to unlock it. Eventually Aki just pulled an Axel and fire-blasted the thing apart. The material was cheap, predictably, and was easy to burn. However, they didn't even have to worry about the money inside.

"Is that…a rupee?" Aki asked in shock. She gently picked up the shining gem, her mouth slightly agape.

"Well, they are usable in every Zelda game…" Haley mulled, as she picked up a 300 rupee.

"Okay, that's it," Aki snapped. "When we get done with this thing, I am going to destroy Sensei's Nintendo Wii."

**~*O*~**

Although different from his usual currency, the cheapskate crab guy eagerly took the money. He didn't even care about the two human girls who were wearing bulky divers' suits. Thankfully they both remained dry as they reentered the base.

"And now we wait," Haley said.

To pass the time, the two girls went into the game room and decided to torture Tobi a little bit by randomly exclaiming '_ten-tailed' _and playing it off that he was just hearing things. After about a half an hour of laughing at the lollipop, the two girls squeaked in terror when a mighty roar vibrated across the hallway. The base actually caught a few inches of air because of it. Once it died down, and the girls managed to stop shivering they walked over to Kakuzu's room.

Opening the door, they managed to keep a straight face as they say the old man near tears as he clutched his safe in woe. Hearing them enter, he turned to glare at them, eyes demonically red.

"You two…" he managed to choke out. "My…money….what did…you…?"

"We gave it to your doppelganger," Aki said smoothly.

"Doctors orders!" Haley cried.

"Leader-sama is very displeased with the lack of funds," Aki continued, lying smoothly. "According to his latest memo you have to work _all _that money back up by working at this certain restaurant."

Kakuzu looked up at them, shock outlying his features. That's what Aki thought, she really couldn't tell because of the mask. She just stuck out her tongue and slammed the door shut, giving Haley just enough time to give a mocking goodbye wave.

**3. Ask him if he and Jack Skellington are distant cousins.**

Since Kakuzu had to work eleven hours a day and six hours a night, and anytime at the base he was sleeping, it was difficult to squeeze in time to get to Kakuzu to ask him the question. Since Aki was held up by Tobi on the way there, something about dangos, Haley arrived at the foot of the door alone. Taking a deep breath she tap-tap-tapped on the door, and took a hasty step back.

After a few minutes of grunting and muttered curses the door finally opened, reveling a disgruntled Kakuzu on the other side, dressed in his purple striped pajamas. He glared down evilly at Haley.

"What do you want?" he groaned angrily.

"Kakuzu, are you related to Jack Skellington?" Haley asked much like a stand-up comedian would. Kakuzu stared down at her like she was crazy.

"No."

He slammed the door in her face. Her jaw dropped open in shock, and she stared at the wood in dismay. After a few seconds the loud, earthshaking snores continued. Eventually Haley began to edge away from the door, still shell-shocked.

"Well…that didn't work."

**4. Ask him if he was nicknamed 'Tentacle Porn Master' in his village before he joined Akatsuki.**

"Hey, it's like that one song!" Aki cried. "_I think I love you more than the~ Japanese love tentacle porn~ and we should dance, dance…_" she trailed off when Haley started looking at her funnily.

"What are we going to do?" Haley murmured. "Name calling didn't work last time…"

"That's because you weren't annoying enough." The two girls turned in surprise when a familiar voice spoke. "You also need to time it _juuust_ right." DM waved at them, and looked down at the computer screen which read out the list.

"Don't worry Haley; I'll handle this last one."

She grinned maliciously.

**~*O*~**

Kakuzu was miserable. After another day on shift he had only made three dollars, collectively seven dollars over all, and was in an awful mood. His mood turned even farther south when he heard the light tapping of feet drawing up from behind him. Turning around, he raised an eyebrow when he saw a smiling girl skipping up to him.

"Heeey~" she sang to him. Kakuzu just glared at her as she walked right up to him, popping his personal space bubble. "I have a question for yooou~" Kakuzu thought he would just encourage her with answering, so he just started to walk away.

"Great!" She cried out as she began to follow him. "So I was wondering Kakuzu-kun…was your title 'Tentacle Porn Master' in your village?" Forgetting his earlier plan of ignoring her, the old man rounded up on her.

"W…what?"

"Am I right? _Tentacle Porn master~?"_

"My name was not—"

"_Tentacle Pooorn Maaaster~_"

"What the hell in wrong—"

"_TENTACLE PORN MASTER!"_

"OKAY, THAT IS IT!" The girl raised her eyebrows in shock when Kakuzu shrieked. "Ever since _you_ got here, _my life has been nothing but HELL_! I work aaalllll day and get barely a cent, I get no time for sleep, and I have to deal with _you_."

Breathing deeply and cheeks brightly red, he stared up at the girl. She was just smiling. "And my work here is done." She skipped away, leaving a confused and pissed off Kakuzu in her wake. After a few seconds he broke down into tears and ran away to Leader-sama's room, crying hysterically.

**5. In case of emergency: Run. Like. You. **_**Mean it**_**!**

"No, no the left! You have to go to the left!"

"_No! It's up!"_

"I've played this a million times people, I know where to—_OMFG LINK, NOOO!_"

The girls watched in horror as Link fell off the screen. DM cursed, Aki sobbed, and Haley clutched her pillow. "Wait, isn't this the part where we're supposed to run?" she asked. DM shrugged as she began to swing around the remote, knocking Aki in the head.

"Well, since we placed Kakuzu in a mental hospital, he won't be chasing after us anytime soon," she explained. Haley smirked and nodded, murmuring, "Ah". "But this story isn't over yet," DM continued. Pausing the game she stood up and walked over to the closet. Opening the knob she smiled at who was on the other side.

"_OMFG, DEM-DEM-CHAAN_!" Haley cried out, tackling a surprised Number IX to the ground in a traditional glomp.

"W…what's going on?" Demyx asked with those cute puppy dog eyes.

"Just a foreshadowing," DM said, smirking.

"All's well that ends well." Aki murmured.

**~*O*~**

**DM: HOLY HELL, I **_**actually**_** got this done in less than a year! :D**

**Aki: Took you long enough…**

**DM: Hey, shaddup! I was busy!**

**Aki: Lemme guess, playing Kingdom Hearts?**

**DM: No. Actually I was studying for my AP Human Geo. test.**

**Aki: Ho shi— seriously?**

**DM: No. :3**

**Aki: …**

**DM: Please Read 'n' Review my precious ducklings, or else Aki will take over the story again.**

**Aki: Hey, I did a pretty okay job! :(**


	8. The Little Mermaid Strikes Back

**Aki: Where the hell did Sensei go again?**

**Deidara: Please let me leave…**

**Aki: Senpai, disclaim!**

**Deidara: **_**Sigh, **_**DM-sama does not own Naruto are any of its associated characters. Only this god-awful parody… Oh, and there is also a spoiler warning for those who have not seen or read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows… though really if you haven't done either of these things you're a freak of nature…**

**Aki: Wait, Harry Pott—?**

**Deidara: Please give warm greetings to our guest, Scatter Inner Sakura!**

**Chapter 6: Pissing Off Kisame**

As Kakuzu miraculously kept his mouth shut about DM's true identity (having been shipped off to a mental hospital) Aki and her Sensei got to keep their rooms and disguises with no questions asked. It would have been perfect, if not for the fact that Aki had somehow managed to lose her friend in the few days of rest. They had been coming home from the movie theater one night… and then DM vanished for two weeks.

Leaning against the millionth door that week, Aki sighed hopelessly when she heard nothing on the other side. Thinking that was enough searching for her missing Sensei for one day, she stopped in her tracks when she heard sniffling sobs sound to her immediate right.

"DM? Is that you?" she called out. No response. Trying the door hopefully, and finding it unlocked, she threw it open and was ecstatic to see DM curled up in the closet, although it was slightly dampened when she took a good look. DM looked like she had been crying uncontrollably for days, and her hair was an absolute mess. If Aki didn't know any better, she would have thought DM was dumped by a boyfriend.

"What do you _waaaaant_?" DM moaned from her little spot on the floor. Aki raised an eyebrow, and suddenly noticed the book cradled in her friends arms. It was a hardcover and was missing its jacket, so she couldn't identify it.

"Where have you been all this time?" asked Aki, more than a little curious of what her friend could have been doing all this time. DM held out the mysterious book to her apprentice with a little mutter of, "_Reading_." Book in hand, Aki looked down to the spine, and furrowed her brow in confusion.

"_Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban_?" she questioned. Suddenly she remembered that she and her Sensei had seen the Harry Potter finale a few weeks ago, having forgotten it in light of her Sensei's disappearance. While although Harry Potter was a big part of her friend's life, having had grown up with it, she never expected her to take it's ending _this _hard. DM sniffled again.

"Do you know the reason why Professor Snape was so mad when Sirius got away?" she asked softly, with a sad smile. "It's b—because he thought Sirius betrayed Harry's mom, and wanted to get r—revenge." Her voice broke at the end, and she entered a fresh wave of sobbing. Aki rolled her eyes but otherwise kneeled down to her Sensei, knowing she needed to be comforted as soon as possible. However, when she moved within arms distance DM practically jumped on her, and squeezed her in a tight, teary hug.

"I—i—it was _so sad_," she cried out loudly. "H—he died so _painfully_, a—and then the memories scene was so _intense_…poor Snape-sama…" She then retreated into violent sobs. Aki then remembered DM's reaction to that particular scene; the girl's body was actually trembling with tears. This, of course, was something to be said, as DM very rarely cried during a movie. Not even when Dobby died had she shed a flipping tear, something that annoyed Aki greatly. Prying her watering Sensei off her shoulders, Aki put on her best comforting voice.

"C'mon, Sensei, it's not like you knew this wasn't coming. You've read the books," she reasoned. That wasn't a day she would soon forget. As DM was rather young when Harry Potter came out, and had no real set opinion about the characters, when her Aunt (also a big Harry Potter fan) voiced her suspicions about Snape's true motives for killing Dumbledore, DM had grown neutral. However, when the final book had finally came out, DM had entered Aki's room in the middle of the night, proclaiming, "_Severus Snape is the greatest character ever, and don't you forget it!_" and slammed the door. She locked herself in her room and looked up fanfictions for three weeks.

"I—I know…" DM sniffled. "But Alan Rickman was just…_wow_…" Her eyes grew wide, and her tone slightly dreamy. She broke out into a wide smile. "He's just…_fantastic_…" Rolling her eyes, Aki otherwise mumbled, "That's the spirit" and lifted the two of them to their feet.

"Now, why don't we go and torture Kisame for a bit, that'll cheer you up!" Walking out of the closet, Aki began to grow excited. "Oooh, I can't wait to see the look on his face when we feed in that soup." She paused when DM uttered a dry sob behind her.

"I remember the look on Severus' face when he was holding Lily…" water-works returning with a vengeance, Aki was surprised when DM roughly grabbed the book from her hands and, with a hand on the door-knob, screeched, "You can continue your childish games _without_ me!" and slammed the door for added measure. Growling deep in her throat, Aki reached for her phone.

"_I'm _childish?" she muttered, holding up the phone to her ear. "I'm not the one spazzing over a thirty year old…"

**~*O*~**

"_Oh DM~?_" Two weeks later, a voice sung in the room of the two Akatsuki subordinates. A curious girl named Elle swung open the door to the small room, brandishing her arms grandly. "Word on the street is that you are moping!"

DM, who was buried underneath bed sheets and mountains of books, groaned angrily, clearly not wanting to be disturbed. Aki walked in after Elle, smirking triumphantly. Elle smiled and began shaking the lump that was DM. "Cmon, silly! We've got a parody to make!" Suddenly DM's head peaked out over the covers, looking worse than she was last time Aki saw her.

"I remember a parody I made of Severus in seventh grade…it was really bad, but _so_ cute…" she then retreated under the sheets again when even more tears came. Elle rolled her eyes, and then suddenly pushed back the bed sheets. DM was so tangled up that she flipped right out of the bed. Grabbing her by the ankles Elle dragged DM out the door, earning a surprised glance from Aki.

"You're going to feel much better after we torture Kisame-Fish-Face, I guarantee it!" she cried out optimistically, dragging DM's dead weight into the hall.

"Meeeaah…" DM moaned, a pillow clutched in her arms. Aki sighed.

**1. Steel his sword. When he ask you where it is say, "It's in Florida, some girl bought it for 1,000,000 dollars." When he gives you a murderous look say, "I know, how can a girl want **_**your**_** sword, you're a fish!"**

Kisame had been having a decent day that day. He got to kill someone, eat some shrimp, kidnap another someone… He was prepared to go and grab his sword for some last minute practicing with Deidara to call it a day, when he reached his room in search of his sword. That was when his day grew sour.

His precious Sharkskin was nowhere to be found.

He interrogated everyone, Tobi in particular, and had been steadily growing more panicked. When he felt like he was about to go and ransack all the rooms in order to find it, he perked his head when he heard girlish giggling. Turning around he was faced with three very guilty looking girls.

"Missing something Kissi-san?" Elle teased, earning a chuckle from Aki. Kisame had been growing very red in the face, remembering what Itachi had told him of these girls and wanting desperately to know what they had done with his sword. "FYI, some girl in Florida bought it for one million dollars!"

Before he could get a word out, Elle had suddenly pushed one of the girls forward, a rather tired looking girl with a deep frown. "See, D? He's _real _angry! Doesn't this make you feel better?" It had been slightly rhetorical.

The girl fixed her tired looking eyes on his for a second, and then suddenly bowed. "I'm so sorry Kisame-san, we didn't mean to take your sword, we'll never do it again, I promise!" Aki and Elle both looked positively horrified, and Kisame very confused. Without another word DM shuffled her way past the group, head bowed in shame as she ran the other way. Elle looked over to Aki, as the later sighed deeply.

"DM could never focus on anything with Severus on her mind," she said. "And, though it's not the best thing to say right now, Mr. Rickman did a bloody brilliant job in that scene." Kisame still stood there, looking confused as ever. Elle looked up to him and snapped, "Scram! We'll get back to you in a sec!"

**2. When on a mission with him in the middle of a village scream, "So how's the sex coming with Itachi?" If he doesn't answer, ask him again and again.**

Scoring a place with him on a mission was extremely difficult for Aki and Elle, especially without the help of her Sensei's Genjutsu. They somehow managed though, and Elle found herself walking along the village path with non-other than Kissi-fish-face. Kisame was very averse to being stuck with this girl for any length of time, still puzzled after the whole sword ordeal the other day. Still trying to be friendly, though, he gave her a weak smile.

She grinned maliciously.

When they had entered the town square, that's when things got strange. He could vaguely sense something building up inside of his temporary partner, and when he was about to ask her what was wrong she suddenly screamed, "_SO! How's the sex with Itachi_?" At first he was too stunned to say anything to her, but then a searing anger undertook him then. Why did everyone think he and Itachi had a thing? They most certainly did not have a thing.

He tired to ignore her, but as he did her voice steadily grew louder and louder, attracting the stares of the whole square around them. He pinned murderous eyes on her. "_J—just shut up_!" he screeched. Elle stared at him for a few seconds, and then began to laugh.

She didn't stop until they got back to the base.

**3. Say you're going to cook a surprise dinner. When Kisame ask you what is, wait until he already swallowed a spoonful before saying, "Sharkfin Soup!" Stand back as he tries to cough it up.**

Aki had, with much patience and persistence, managed to drag DM all the way to the kitchen from her bedroom. Albeit, her friend remained face planted onto the cool kitchen counter, and gazed blankly at the wall. Elle arrived a few minutes later with the ingredients in hand. She narrowed her eyes when she saw DM.

"Why did you have to write me in the chapter where she was a hermit?" she asked, not impressed with DM's groaning. Aki rolled her eyes, and took the food products, placing them on the counter.

"You should've seen her when she was obsessing over Fable," she muttered. "It was always _Master Reaver _this and _Master Reaver_ that…bloody pirate…"

"Don't forget Logan," Aki perked her head up when she heard DM's voice. She grew hopeful when it didn't sound so sad.

"Y—yeah, can't forget him!" she encouraged, turning back to Elle. "She _adored _him, wrote fanfics and everything. Heh, you should've seen her reaction when she watched Logan's execution—" She immediately clapped her hand over her mouth when the words left her lips. A dry sob was choked out of DM's throat.

"_Why does every guy I like die_?" she wailed, a fresh set of tears streaming down her face. Aki tried to fix what she had done. "Y—you have the option to keep him alive!" Far from comforted, DM continued to wail.

"Argh!" Aki looked over to Elle when she cried out. "I'm so sick of this! Stop being so emotional and focus on the parody!" With a frazzled huff she turned heel and stormed out of the room, where she was knocked into Kisame on his way in. "Make your own dinner, fish face!" she cried out to a surprised Kisame and vanished.

**4. During movie night, present a national geographic video on a dolphin kicking a shark's ass. When it's over, turn to him and say, "You were beaten by **_**Iruka**_**? I lost all respect for you."**

It was two days later and Aki was walking the halls with her new friend Elle, some of DM's Harry Potter books clutched in her hands that had been left behind in the study. "I've almost got her turned around, you'll see." Elle just nodded her head. Low and behold, Kisame had walked around the corner where they were walking. He been doing his best to avoid any of the three girls, as they freaked him out to no end, but when Pein relayed orders to him for the smallest girl he had no choice.

Seeing the gigantic shark approach then, Elle gave a quick "later" before vanishing in smoke. Kisame looked to Aki and said robotically, "Deidara needs to see you in the sixth sector, something about teaching you true art or something…" Aki remembered that one time long ago when she had pranked Deidara. Sighing wearily, she handed the books over to Kisame, not thinking about her actions and saying, "Hold onto those for me, I'll be back later." And vanished in a puff of smoke.

Kisame was reluctant, but otherwise held onto the book. After all, he didn't know what those girls were capable of. Whatever happened to Kakuzu…?

After about a half an hour, Kisame was growing seriously impatient. Whatever Deidara was talking to her about sure was long. So immersed in his frustrations, he was unaware when the atmosphere suddenly changed to an almost deadly intent. He did however, hear it when a loud voice shrieked out, "_WHERE THE HELL ARE MY BOOKS_?"

Feeling the bloodlust dripping in that voice, Kisame eyed the books in his hands. He was suddenly scared for his life. Before he could move though, the door only ten feet away was kicked off its hinges in a flurry of dust, and a murderous aura walked out of it. That DM girl locked eyes on him, eyes glowing red.

Without even seeing her, the books were snatched out of his hands, and he was met face to face with the Angel of Death.

"_Is this where you get your kicks from, huh? Stealing books from little girls? You shark, you annoying shark! Silly shark, beaten by a little dolphin! Iruka, you are pwned by Iruka! FAAAIL!_"

Kisame watched in shock as the girl screamed out the words. DM, however, was beyond noticing, having gone into a rage when she couldn't find her books. Of course, when Kisame suddenly broke down in tears and fled the other direction, she bit her lip.

Attracted by the sounds of war, Elle and Aki reappeared to their friend. Aki gave a small smile, while Elle applauded. "A bit more violent than I had hoped, but glad to see you're back, Sensei."

Taking several deep breaths DM gave them both a weak smile.

"About time too, you couldn't have done that three listings ago?"

"Oh, relax; she'll make it up to you in the last chapter."

**5. In case of emergency: Run to the underwater city of Atlantis, he was banned from there.**

"I'm surprised anyone might have read this long; you didn't even do any of what the listings said."

"Yeah, you mostly moped through the whole ficlet, Sensei."

"Hey, after a scene like that, Alan Rickman _deserved _a mope. And an Oscar at that." A sad sigh. "Oh Severus…I can still hear his voice now… _You have your mother's eyes._"

"Ssshhh, spoiler's, Sensei!"

"To who?"

"Annoying gits," DM said simply, grunting slightly at the weight she was carrying. Thinking she might as well go out with a bang, and keep little Kissi-san quiet for a little longer, the girls decided to send Kisame to Atlantis itself by dumping him, unconscious, in the ocean, and see if he was really banned from there, all the while tying a fifty pound ball-and-chain to his ankle, just to spice things up.

"You sure he's not going to die?" asked Aki timidly. DM scoffed and rolled her eyes.

"Honestly Aki, you offend me," she said, though Aki noticed she didn't answer her. With a collective grunt, Elle, Aki, and DM tossed Kisame over the cliff's edge and watched him splash below. DM rubbed her shoulder, wincing. "That was bloody difficult…"

"It probably wouldn't hurt so much if you didn't carry around those books everywhere," Elle pointed out slyly as the trio walked back down the hill. DM clutched her bag defensively, not have let the books leave her sight since the occurrence a few days ago.

"Well, maybe if _someone _hadn't given them to Kisame," she glared pointedly at Aki, who shrugged.

"Hey blame Deidara; he wanted to talk to me about some big art project. Wonder what he's doing now…"

As the words breathed past her lips, the girls spun around at the sound of a ninja poof. Low and behold, Deidara stood behind them and was glaring at Aki. "Where'd you run off to, I wasn't finished yet, hmm!" As DM had taken a different disguise since dating Deidara, he didn't recognize her at all. Something told Aki that the bomb artist hasn't even crossed her Sensei's mind in months.

Deidara looked like he was about to say something, lips forming an 'O' when suddenly, without warning, DM's face grew a deep shade of blue, and her hand smacked across his face in a clear bitch-slap. "_You are dead to me, Deidara-senpai_!" He flopped to the floor unconscious. Elle and Aki looked on in shock and horror, once remembering a time when DM loved Deidara, dearly. Aki released a weary sigh, knowing full well DM's reaction to her once love.

"DM, we _need_ to talk about your obsession with Severus Snape," she said with a sigh, while Elle laughed a laugh from her heart.

**~*O*~**

**DM: Ain't anything to talk about!**

**Aki: He is **_**thirty-eight **_**years old!**

**DM: I don't bleeding care! I **_**do **_**apologize to all you fans for the wait, I'm a horrible procrastinator. Either way, I **_**just **_**got back from Deathly Hallows (in IMAX nonetheless) and couldn't leave my ranting feelings untouched as I finally sat down and wrote this. **

**Aki: **_**Writing **_**she says…**

**DM: I also got some good news: I got me a good ol' Twitter account! If you guys want to follow me, my username PhuLea (Thai for 'Storyteller') and I hope to see you there!**

**Aki: You can blame Alexis for the Thai…**

**DM: Please Read 'n' Review! And **_**please **_**go see Deathly Hallows, it is **_**amazing**_**!**


	9. Hannibal The Cannibal Has Met His Match

**DM: Helloooo? *Taps on computer screen* Is anyone still there? *Tap* *Tap* *Tap***

**Aki: You know the drill by now, Senpai!**

**Deidara: ****DM-sama does not own Naruto are any of its associated characters. Only this parody, Aki Kyria, herself, and the original List. **

**DM: Sorry for slapping you Senpai. It was an emotional time for me.**

**Deidara: …**

**Aki: Please give warm greetings to our guest star, kikizoey!**

**~*Chapter 7: Pissing Off Zetsu*~**

"—and so then I said, 'I don't need to buy a fruit rollup, cuz I'm Batman.'"

"You aren't Batman."

"Well, that guy didn't know it."

"I think he could make an educated guess with the assistance of deductive reasoning."

"That is just so—oh no, wait, here they come!"

The two girls lied in wait tucked in the shadows of the dark alleyway as their target slowly approached them. When the footsteps sounded as close as they would come, the predators leaped from behind the trashcans and blocked the unsuspecting high school students' path. Her books tumbled from her hands as she shrieked out in surprise.

"Follow us, fellow paramount!" The taller of the two cried. Her green eyes were glimmering merrily. "No time to explain!"

The high school student looked at her with wide eyes, trying to scramble away.

"_Are you freaking nuts?!_"

"We know who you are, Emily," the smallest one said, eerily calm, unlike her friend. "You alone had been chosen by the Fanfiction gods of Creed, and now you must come with us to complete the destiny bestowed upon you. As the chosen one."

"Nice," noted the other girl as she proceeded to yank at the wrist of the girl identified as Emily and drag her along, said girl far too bemused to protest at this point.

"Where are we going?!" the girl yelled, whom was now in the backseat of a (stolen) Ferrari. The other two mysterious (okay, not really mysterious, your dog probably knows who they are) girls were in the front seat, the louder of the two in the drivers spot. Emily was not comfortable with the decision.

"We're off to pull off one of the greatest stunts of all time, one that shall forever go down in history as the…greatest stunt of all time."

"Not as easy as it looks, is it?"

"Oh shut up, Aki."

The student identified as Emily shifted nervously in her seat. "What are you talking about?"

DM grinned from her spot in the driver's seat. "Parodies, Emily. I'm talking about parodies."

Emily quickly buckled up.

**1.**** Rip a leaf to shreds in front of him. When he asks what you're doing say, "I'm teaching your girlfriend what happens when she curses me out!"**

"This is stupid," complained Emily, staring sordidly at the beautiful green leaf cradled in her palm. "Zetsu was never even proven to be a botanophilic."

DM smiled. "You use too many big words!" She held up her own set of leaves. "Now rip!"

Once again, for the seventh time in three years, the duo of troublemakers had somehow managed to sneak back into the Akatsuki base, despite the fact that now one of its members is incapacitated, the other missing for weeks, and another diagnosed as mentally insane, even by their standards. Nope, security wasn't even an issue, even though these guys are the most sought after ninjas in the world and therefore would have a top notch defense. You'd think they'd at least have…entry exams or something…screenings even. They could carry around ID's, at least—

"_Thank _you, third person perspective!" DM shrieked, glaring angrily at the ceiling. Aki and Emily eyed her warily.

"Ignore her, she does that," said Aki.

"_NOW!_" DM continued to shriek. "Off to find Zetsu-san! This would be entirely pointless if he's not here!"

"Because this promised so much point to begin with?"

"Oh, shove off, Kyria!"

Emily looked cautiously at the door. "Isn't it a little bit dangerous to be hanging around a known cannibal's sacred ground of worship, intentionally vandalizing his property?"

DM scoffed, patting her associate's shoulder. "Oh re_lax_, everyone knows that Zetsu only eats people when they—"

"When th**ey what**?"

All three girls shrieked in horror and whirled around to meet the face(s) of Zetsu, hiding the shredded leaves behind their backs. He was staring at them, both malicious and gentle at the same time.

"No, please, finish what you were going to say," uttered the white half. DM slapped her hand over her mouth. The black half glared at her.

"**Yes, please do that, I'm sure** **it was full of enlightening wisdom**."

"Is there any reason you came to my greenhouse? Are you looking for something?"

"**It wouldn't happen to be your own foot halfway into the grave?"**

"Well, that's just mean."

DM stared at the murmuring entity, thinking furiously of a way to escape without being viciously mauled by this confusing plant guy. Sadly enough, she was too gripped in the throes of panic to think properly. _Please don't eat me, please don't eat me, please don't eat me…_

Aki was staring dazedly at the wall, have lost interest in the conversation a long time ago.

_If I were to set the building on fire…how many of us would actually get out?_

DM gulped. "We were just…yeah! We were just teaching your gir—irl…guiah!" She hesitated, not sure what to say next.

"I'm sorry Mr. Zetsu, it's my fault."

All eyes locked onto the form of Emily, who stood up straight and looked at Zetsu dead in the eye.

"You see, Mr. Zetsu, I'm a new recruit, and I've just heard so many things about your lovely greenhouse. My friends here were just showing me around. I'm sorry, we shouldn't have trespassed."

Zetsu continued to consider her neutrally. Aki narrowed her eyes. DM's jaw dropped.

"It's of no concern," the white side said, smiling cheerily. It was even creepier than the black side's hungry stare. "Stay as long as you like, just please respect my plants."

"**I thought you said we were going to have lunch!**"

"Ah ah ah, Superior said that we mustn't eat the subordinates anymore."

"**He also said under no circumstances let any more teenage girls into Itachi's room when he's not there." **

"That's different, we charge for that, and Superior gets %25 of all earnings."

"**About that, we need to talk about that…**"

The two (or one? I should say) continued the heated discussion as they left the room. All at once the three girls released a heavy sigh of relief, dropping the shredded leafs onto the ground.

"So much for that," Aki murmured, wiping her hands on her jeans.

DM shrugged. "Whatever, it was a stupid prank anyway. But now we can move onto the next one!"

**2. Steal Hidan's scythe, then massacre Zetsu's greenhouse. Leave the scythe behind as proof you didn't do it. Make sure it's Hidan's weapon, he'll live if Zetsu eats him.**

"But he _just _said to respect his plants!" Emily objected as DM dramatically swept up the Jashinist's scythe from Nowhere-land, her own subspace locker.

"Oh, come on, you know his karma is fouled up anyway! Think of us as doing him a favor, now he won't be reincarnated as a sunflower or something!"

Aki was still staring dazedly at the wall. "I think you need to read up on your Hindu some more, sensei."

"It doesn't matter!" She clenched her fist dramatically, and held out the weapon of death to Emily, who cringed at the sight of it. "Since she managed to skillfully swerve us out of that last mess, Emily should have the honor of performing this one!"

Aki shrugged. "Sounds good to me."

"B—but he'll eat me—!" she protested even when DM placed the scythe in her trembling hands.

"No, he'll eat Hidan-kun! Didn't you read the floaty words in the sky?"

Emily didn't answer that. DM then pushed her encouragingly forward, smiling cheerily. "C'mon, just take your first swing! It'll be fun!" She took a pointed step back, and gestured to the rest of the green house.

Emily gulped, reluctantly walking nearer to the many shelved plants. "I—I guess I never really liked Venus fly traps anyway…" With a sigh, Emily hefted upon the weapon. "Well, at least this way I won't have to turn in that English assignment tomorrow."

And she brought down the scythe with a loud _C-C-CRRAAASH!_

DM whooped in excitement. "You go, girl!"

Aki nodded distractedly, lost in deep thought.

_If I were to start walking right now…how long would it take to get to San Diego?_

Unbeknownst to the girls' mortal eyes, a change was happening over dearest Emily. At the sound of breaking pot plants and shattering glass, she could feel the eagerness course through her. "That was actually…a lot of fun, you guys."

"Sure it was," DM cheered. "Violence, destruction…why, it's a teenager's rite of passage! Now c'mon, we have a whole greenhouse to massacre, hop to it, double time!"

"Y—yessir!" Emily said, eyeing the next row of plants like it was a rare steak.

"I get the feeling we're going to regret this," Aki murmured.

**3. Tell him that the plant channel has been canceled, then plug you innocent virgin ears as he calls the TV station to protest.**

"I wasn't even aware that there was a plant channel," Aki said.

DM was staring passively at the TV guide. "I didn't even know that ninjas had TV, but here we are."

Emily wasn't within speaking capabilities. Ever since the destruction of Zetsu's greenhouse, the high school student had begun acting…strange. DM didn't really notice as of yet, she was too busy contemplating over the disappearance of her highly caffeinated soda pop. Aki didn't really notice either, too concerned with the growing pile of mysterious empty soda pop cans on the foot of her bed.

Oh god, this has disaster written all over it.

"And that's why we do what we do, third person perspective!" DM cried to the ceiling again, tossing the guide away. She turned to Emily, who had now begun to shake and tremble. "Now, this is a mission that depends highly on delivery, so think about what you say and _how _you'll say it to him. I'll handle this one, because I'm good with words."

The three waited out in the hallway. Aki was finally starting to notice Emily strangeness of attitude, her jitteriness, and was cautiously evaluating her. DM stayed lookout, and squeaked when Zetsu came close.

"Okay everybody! Prepare yourself!"

Emily nodded, her cheeks turning a bright red in exuberance.

Aki shrugged, looking interested in her shoelaces.

_Wait a minute; didn't I used to be able to turn into a cat? C…can I still do that? _

Zetsu rounded the corner, unaware of the horrors that awaited him. So excited, DM could barely wait, and nearly jumped on top of him when she shouted, "Hey Zetsu, guess what! The plant channel was—

"_HEY ZETSU-SAN, DID YOU KNOW THAT SCIENTIST HAVE MADE A NUCLEAR TOXIN TO DESTROY ALL MATTER OF PLANT LIFE?!_"

DM was shocked silent. Zetsu was appalled. Aki was licking her own wrist, for whatever reason.

Emily had practically tackled DM to the ground during her furious outburst. Her cheeks were bright red and she was panting, her eyes insanely bright. Then, suddenly she laughed.

"OH, the look on your _FACE, Zetsu-san! FREAKING PRICELESS!_" she cried, laughing even more. Her laughs echoed off the wall. She began laughing so hard that she grabbed her side and tumbled onto the ground. She stayed there for a good long while, too.

White Zetsu looked like he was about to cry. Black Zetsu…looked like he was crying too, but was much manlier about it. When nothing more was said, he slowly backed away.

"A—Aki…" DM whispered; face pale white as she stared down at her disciple. "What's happening, Aki…?"

Aki, whose attention was recently recalled, looked down at Emily, and merely shrugged.

"Meow_._"

**4. Trick him into thinking that 'Attack of the Zombie Plants' was coming out soon and that you got two tickets. Then lead him to a room full of Zetsu fangirls (Those exist!)**

"To be perfectly honest Sensei, your pranks for Zetsu _suck_."

"Well, it's not like it's easy! Zetsu is the least favorite of the Akatsuki! By _anybody_!"

Aki and DM were glaring angrily at each other from opposite ends of the room. Emily was pacing back and forth excitedly. Her previous wardrobe, which was fairly neat, was now untucked, wrinkly, and had a tie tied around her forehead. Her sugar rush and adrenaline kick had lasted for a week, and she prodded and poked at the other two, begging to get started. There was only one issue.

They were very, very poor.

"We can't friggin afford two _real _movies tickets, let alone fake ones, and now you want us to make an actual movie?!" Aki exclaimed.

"You _know _how weird Zetsu is about these things, if we try to goad him into a fake movie, he'll catch us for sure and the whole operation will be blown!"

"I haven't gotten a paycheck in two weeks, Sensei!"

"We have to think of the mission!"

"Um, guys?"

"_WHAT?!_"

The two whirled around to the third in the room. Unlike before, she was now standing still…and she didn't look so good. Feeling lightheaded, she sat down onto the ground, cheeks green.

"I don't really feel very good…I think the rush is wearing off…"

Momentarily putting aside their difference of opinion, DM and Aki walked nearer to the latest recruit and knelt down beside her. She eyed them dizzily.

"Well, this is just great!" DM grumbled, head in her hand. "The nearest Japanese candy store is four miles from here, it's where I get all my soda."

Aki nodded soberly, remembering the store fondly. "Akatsuki doesn't believe in coffee either. We're low on caffeine, out of ideas, and poor."

Emily looked sadly down at her hands, having enjoyed her stay with the two insane girls in the enemy ninjas' base. It was _fun! _"So much for destiny, huh?"

And at this, having looked as gloomy as the rest of them, DM sparked up.

"_No!_" she snapped, jumping up to her feet. The other two looked up at her. "This is gonna happen, you two, so stop moping around!"

Aki slowly rose to her feet as well and helped up the ever so woozy Emily. "There's still the matter of money, you know."

At this, DM smirked, her eyes burning with passion.

"Screw money, _I am an Authoress! _If I say it can happen then my word is law! You wanna know why? Because _authoress pwns all!"_

Emily timidly shook her head, but Aki, dear Aki, could feel a smirk gracing her features. "That still leaves the question of how you intend to pull this off."

She placed a hand on their shoulders.

"Destiny my friends. Destiny."

**~*O*~**

And she went all out. It took several months in order to set things up, and several months longer still to shoot, edit, make budget cuts, hire Morgan Freeman, the whole shebang. Most of the cast and staff were just shadow clones of the three girls, Aki worked camera, DM was plot, but even a few of the Akatsuki joined in, mostly Deidara and Sasori, but Itachi and Hidan would show up occasionally, something that brightened up the girls' days.

When all was said and done, the movie completed after a very long couple months, the girls felt satisfied and accomplished. The movie wasn't even all bad either. Deidara's acting was stellar, and Sasori had quite a touch in the makeup department.

On opening night, two tickets in one hand, DM handed one to Emily.

"None of this would be possible without you," she said. "So you should have the honor of seeing Zetsu's face when he walks into that theater!"

After having fully replenished her caffeinated soda supply, Emily was bubbly and excited once more. The tie was back too. She took the ticket, thanked them both, and left to go meet up with Zetsu at the movie theater.

"Like a hero," said Aki, grinning. She noticed the puzzled expression of DM's brow, and asked her what was wrong.

"I can't help but feel…that we forgot something." She shrugged, trying to shake off the bad feeling. The both walked back towards DM's quarters.

_Realization in _

…

_…_

_…_

_…_

…_3…_

_…_

…

…

…

…_2…_

…

…

…

…

…_1…_

_…_

_…_

_…_

…

"_OH, DAMMIT, WE FORGOT TO GET THE ZETSU FANGIRLS!"_

**5. In case of emergency: Run to the desert, he is powerless there!**

"Actually…there are s—several species of botanical life…w—within the desert…"

"Just shut up, Aki…"

Why anybody would even think about living within three kilometers of the wretched _desert _was far beyond DM's comprehension. She had long since forgotten what water tasted like, and indeed forgotten what it felt like to be able to use her legs. Quite of out shape, the three girls had quickly collapsed into the desert sand.

Emily was lying flat on her back. "Two hours and fifty five minutes…alone with him…that awful, awful movie…"

Aki was panting heavily, face planted into a dune. "I thought…cinematography…well done…not so much the script…"

DM glared at them both. "Shove off, nobody's perfect…"

There was when the trio saw a shadow casted down on them. They tiredly looked up to see a calm cannibalistic staring down at them, looking like he was taking a morning stroll through the park.

"Where have you three been? We are all very concerned."

The girls were silent, until Emily swallowed and said quietly, "Aren't you going to eat us?"

"Why would we do that?"

"**Why wouldn't we do that?**"

"Oh, don't taunt them; can't you see they're tired?"

The girls were silent, waiting for him to resolve his issues. Zetsu continued, "I will admit, I was a tad upset when **my bloody green house was completely destroyed**."

DM inhaled deeply, her vision blurring. "But…Hidan…culprit."

"Well, that's what I thought, too. But after he tearfully told me he was reading to blind orphans that day, I figured who did what."

All three girls moaned at once.

"I intended to take action, but when I heard that you were making a movie, for me nonetheless, **I staved off my growing appetite just so I could see what you were scheming.**"

At this, the trio was completely silent; they looked to each other, all wary. Then Aki said quietly, "Did you…like the movie?"

"Yes, actually. The cinematography was well done and the dialogue superfluous." DM began to tear up, smiling brightly. "**It was better than Plant Apocalypse 3, I'll give you that much. Thank you fo**r that, and I forgive you. Whenever you're ready to return to the base, you are welcome anytime."

And then he sunk into the ground and vanished, leaving the three beaming girls in the desert.

"You know, he's really not all that bad," Aki murmured for her place in the dune. "Kind of rough around the edges, but still pretty sweet."

"Yeah," Emily muttered, staring thoughtfully at a few circling birds in the sky.

Silence surrounded them all, filling up the area with thick tenseness as the three realize they were still very much stuck in the middle of the desert with no chance of finding their way out.

DM lifted her head and smiled weakly. "So, kiddies, what's the lesson here today?"

A beat passed.

Emily sighed. "Destiny is a bitch of a thing."

DM sniffled.

"I miss Neji-kun…

**DM: ONE YEAR AND TWENTY FIVE DAYS, IT'S A NEW RECORD, WOHOO! *Dances around on a unicycle and throws confetti about***

**Aki: Neptune be damned if any of our original readers are still here after such horrible update times.**

**DM: It's of no concern! I just got back into the Naruto series, and with **_**Rock Lee and his Ninja Pals **_**airing a new episode every week, there's no way I can lose inspiration this time!**

**Aki: Talk about shameless advertising.**

**DM: Speaking of shameless advertising, I've posted up a new multi-chaptered Kingdom Hearts fanfiction. It features your dearest Organization XIII baddies, plus a few more familiar faces. Check it out, leave a review! :D**

**Aki: Happy school times, everyone! Study hard, do your homework, and have a great year!**

**DM: OH FRIGG, I HAVE TO READ MY PSYCHOLOGY BOOK!**


End file.
